#instalibrariancloset

Over the last few years, I have been getting to know a great group of women in the Central Valley who are interesting, vivacious, funny, and passionate. One of these ladies posted this video this past summer.

It struck me. I saved it. I watched it several times.

I have struggled with body image since middle school. I was always chubby. I had awful glasses, braces for years, and I never had nice clothes. When I was 19/20, I lost a lot of weight, about 70 pounds, with diet and exercise that got out of control. I was skinny. I only felt pretty because of compliments from other people. I really struggled with some of the attention I got because I was still the same person I had always been. As awful as it sounds, people do treat you better when you’re thin. I have been on both sides and everywhere in between.

I was in a good place with my weight between ages 22 and 25. I gained a little weight due to life changes and stresses, but it was nothing major. I felt great. It wasn’t until I went to Washington, D.C. for a graduate school fellowship that I started feeling uncomfortable. I gained 10 pounds. And then I sprained my ankle when I got back. I couldn’t walk for a month. I never gained all my weight back, but I was no longer comfortable. I didn’t really recognize myself in the mirror a couple of years ago. I felt terrible. I hid at home a lot.

But watching the video one of my new friends posted really helped me feel a lot better. I’ve always enjoyed clothes, and the video  made me realize that over the last couple of years, I’d gotten into a funk because of my body image. You can be stylin’ at any size or shape, and I should know because throughout the years, I have been a size 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, and 16.

This past fall, in an effort to reclaim my body and clean out my closet of too small clothes, I started documenting my work wear outfits on Instagram with #instalibrariancloset. These are mirror selfies in regular bathroom lighting–nothing fancy. My Instagram is a private account, so I wasn’t looking for followers or anything like that, but it really helped force me to wear all of my clothes and to spend a little more time on myself. I was really not comfortable doing these pictures. It was hard. I did these because I felt myself falling into the “gaining weight is not beautiful” mindset. Facing yourself in the mirror everyday helps you accept yourself.

One of the more surprising things about doing this was a message I got from a longtime friend who I don’t see very often.

I’m so proud of you. I see that you take pictures and you share your style/outfits. A few years ago I wouldn’t have ever thought you’d be posting pictures, sharing them. You used to not want to take pictures or share them. I’m really glad to see you out of your comfort zone per se and sharing you!! It’s encouraging to see!! I see them every now and then and I’m like wow… I don’t even feel comfortable to take pictures of myself and post them often. So, I like that and proud of how strong you’ve become over the years!

My last #instalibrariancloset post was yesterday.

IMG_20160428_185833

There were only a very few things that I didn’t wear this academic year, but I am going to do one final clothes and shoes purge. Not only did I clean out my closet by doing this, but I discovered new combinations, wore more of my jewelry, and I was even able to be better about my exercise and eating. I am actually down a jean size.

I intended for all of my IG posts to be on Pinterest, but I only pinned a few. I am planning to pin the rest. I am also in the process of creating a “Bodyful” playlist to be a source of encouragement when getting ready in the morning, and I also started following body positivity accounts on social media.

What things do you do to help you make peace with your body?

Advertisements

Documenting the Future (& Past)

As of yesterday, I have exactly one month before I leave Merced College, and I have started preparing for the new librarian who will be making the Los Banos Campus Library his or her new work home. (Here is the job ad for the position I am leaving, by the way.)

Last summer, Meredith Farkas’ American Libraries column was about what to do to ensure your projects continue after you’ve left a position, “Future-Proof Your Project.” Documentation is so important when leaving a job. When I got my position, documentation wasn’t necessary because my predecessor (and librarian mentor) was switching to the other campus, so I could easily call to ask questions. I have been working on a Word document that is simply a list of things to know: a little library history, accounts to get set up (LibGuides, Text-a-Librarian, Sirsi Workflows, etc.), collection needs and procedures, things I worked on and things I still wanted to do, etc. I also have a message about how important it is for him or her to make the library his or her own; I have my strengths, and the new person will have other strengths. I also included my personal email and cell phone number. I have nine single-spaced pages so far.

I added the librarians at the other campus as co-owners to all of my LibGuides, so they can share those with the new librarian. I got rid of paper and digital files the new librarian won’t need and re-organized the file drawers.  Our campus has a shared drive, so I am updating the Library folder in there, too, with various folders for electronic copies of handouts, important forms, instruction calendars, and other things I mention in the Word document I am writing up.

I switched all my listserv subscriptions to my Gmail, started forwarding a few emails, and boxed up the things to take home, including a binder full of flyers I made over the last few years for displays, events, and contests.

13072919_10156770974445573_4293123233050030986_o

I also started cleaning out my office.

13071947_10156783673190573_7654611409594775529_o

Doing these things has also helped me realize that I was able to accomplish some good things in the three years I was full-time in Los Banos. Ultimately, I am glad I was able to be an energizing force on our small campus. Their librarian wasn’t a shushing, stern type. I was able to make small steps to get a more user-centered space. Culture is the hardest thing to shape, but I made progress. I was able to have some fun displays, contests, and activities, including Game Nights. Through these and other communication efforts, the faculty and student groups began to see and use the library as a campus hub. Our student government even had a campus suggestion box in the Library at one point. And let’s not forget about the food pantry! I feel great that the faculty and staff knew they could count on the Library to help, in both instructional and non-instructional efforts. I was able to build solid relationships in our campus community.

And the students knew they could count on me, too. To quote one of the student comments on my evaluation this year, “Definitely not the crusty old librarian stereotype.” I feel really good about that.

31

It’s been a while. March and April are busy months for me at work, and there was a stretch of time where I was feeling pretty disorganized on top of it. And maybe distracted knowing that I am heading to a new job in June, but, as always, I eventually come around. I bounce back. I turned 31 last Friday, and I can tell you that “bounce back” is my 21-31 theme.

I’ve written about some of this before, but it’s good to reflect. I grew up in a small religious environment that was mostly built around immediate and extended family, and although I went to public school my entire life, I was shy and didn’t really live a life outside of school, home, and church.  When I was 19 and 20, I lost a lot of weight–almost 70 pounds. It started well enough, but by mid-2005, I was dieting excessively and addicted to exercise. I was finally thin and happy for a while, but in 2006, at 21, I was in a very sad, confusing period. I was unsure and insecure. Not that you can really tell in the photo below, taken on my 21st birthday, but I wore sweaters and blazers to cover up my thinness. (And I didn’t even eat any of that cake!) It took me a whole summer, fall, and winter to get out of my funk. I took off the Fall 2006 semester; I just couldn’t concentrate.

21

I didn’t know just how much my life would change that following spring. Around my 22nd birthday, in 2007, I met my now husband online via MySpace. (Hey, now, it was popular back then.) We had our first date on my birthday, and we’ve been together for nine years now.

I graduated from college in 2008. I got married in 2009. I graduated from graduate school in 2011. We bought a house in 2013. I also got my first full-time librarian job in 2013, and now I’m headed to the library at University of California Merced, the first library I ever volunteered at, in June.

At 31, I am really pleased with where I am. I am happy about where I am in my career and in my relationship with my husband. This is also the best I have ever felt about myself. I have come to accept many things about my(INFJ)self. Here’s a little list. 

  • I have a little rebellious streak. I wish I were a Phryne Fisher, but I’m a Dot who is at least brave enough to team up with Miss Fisher. I did go to both D.C. and Vegas by myself, after all.
  • I am creative. I sometimes wonder if I followed the academic path because I didn’t know any other alternatives.
  • I am a reflector.
  • I am always going to be a little shy. For example, my little secret is that I enjoy singing. But I will die first if you think I will ever reveal that side of me. I have the worst stage fright. Comparable to my fear of heights; just ask my husband about when we went to the Grand Canyon.
  • Underneath my reserved exterior, I am actually a little funny. Like, honestly, I did not see that one coming.

Also, rather than hate myself for not living up to certain standards, particularly expectations of others, I just focus on what I can do with the time and energy I have to give away. Lately, that’s taking care of me, which means no longer saying yes to every project or opportunity that comes my way: I quit that OER adult learning MOOC I mentioned I registered for a few posts back, and I am rethinking my plan to go back to graduate school, also mentioned a few posts back, too. Life is too short to do things you think you have to do, though my little overachieving heart is breaking as I type this.

Here’s to 31!